I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
Ephesians 4:1-3
Wanting to be the person I’m called to be and actually being the person I’m called to be presents a conflict within my heart. Of course I want to grow! Of course I want to be a better person! But it feels unattainable, unsustainable, and honestly, like a lot of hard work. (and I have schedules and dinners and kids and timelines. I don’t need more work!)
You see, I’ve developed this habit of thinking of myself the way I feel that others think of me: Not worthy. Incapable. Broken. But those are all lies.
In an effort to think on things that are true, noble, and right (like Paul tells us to do in Philippians), I have to retrain my brain to believe of myself what God says of me:
Kori, you are worthy.
You are extremely capable because you have Me.
Yes, you are broken but it’s because of your surrendered brokenness that I am able to work through you to do amazing things.
Everyday. That’s how often I have to remind myself of this truth because let’s face it, I’ve had 35 years to perfect the art of self-abasement and pity. What can I say, deeply engrained habits die hard.
When we’re kids, our brains like to find the path of least resistance to get us through the fight or flight triggers. When we’re scared as a child, many of us get angry and lash out. Some of us laugh it off and and try to deflect the attack. Others take the words people throw at them and internalize them, owning it. That’s me.
When I feel rejected by others, I own it, telling myself I’m rejected because I’m not worthy. I’m too much. I’m too sensitive. I’m too incapable of changing. So I don’t try to change and I live up to the label.
Backing up, if I’m going to do this whole “life with Jesus” thing, I have to choose to believe that I’m made in the image of God and there is no way on His green earth that He made me to be unworthy, incapable, or too broken to change. So it’s only through seeing myself as God sees me (worthy, capable, and beautifully broken) that I can begin to retrain my brain and create new neural pathways that will lead me closer to the heart change God so desperately wants for me.
I’m called. Whew, that sounds like a lot of pressure. Called to do what? Where? How? But I don’t like talking to strangers! I’m comfortable at home, in my slippers, and talking to the people I know. Pounding the pavement and preaching the Gospel at the corner bus stop? Ha! Thanks, but no thanks.
Remember the story of the Lord coming to Moses through a burning bush? God tells him he’s called for something big and Moses slowly takes several steps back, waving his hands in front of him and shaking his head and says, woah woah woah…“Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?” (Exodus 3:11)
I get it, Mo. That sounds like a lot of work.
Here I am, a modern day Moses telling God that I’m not worthy. Reciting all the reasons why His plan for me, whatever it is, isn’t going to work. He’s got the wrong girl!
“What is that in your hand?” the Lord asks me. (Exodus 4:2) I look down at my hands in discouragement and doubt and ask, “Oh, these ole things? This craftsmanship talent? This super sensitive heart? This passion for authenticity and truth? Are you talking about all these things that feel much more like burdens than blessings because they’re what I’ve been judged for throughout my entire life? Yeah, well, what about these things in my hand?” (I can be a bit sassy when I’m doubtful.)
“Throw it on the ground,” says the Lord. (Exodus 4:3)
“Oh. Like, just throw them down…on the ground? Just like that?”
“Yes, throw them on the ground at the foot of the cross. Give them to Me and I will do something radical in your life with them,” is what I hear the Lord say.
“For everything I’ve given you, talent, empathy, passion, I will use it for the Kingdom in a way you could never do on your own,” He explains.
Now I feel convicted. I am talented. I am super emotional. And of course I’m passionate about the truth (which is why I’ve lived so long with hurt feelings! Truthful people in a broken world can be hard to find.)
I sit with that for a moment. My mind begins to shift from believing that these qualities that I’ve been continually judged for are actually God-given qualities the Lord has purposefully given to me! He chose to make me like this. And I’m an image of Him.
That’s when I hear the Lord telling me, “You’ve been using your gifts to glorify the wrong team.”
When I’m playing for Team World, my talents are despised, envied, and hated. My emotional depth is off-putting, annoying, and destructive. And being a truth-seeker on Team World means I’m judgmental and intimidating.
When I look to Christ, I’m traded and with a switch of the jersey, I am now on Team Jesus and viewing my detrimental burdens as gracious gifts from God.
Creating with my hands turns from unhealthy acceptance-seeking into a way to teach and serve others by providing them with something they are not capable of creating for themselves.
Emotionally volatility becomes deep authentic empathy that romances people to Jesus.
And truth-seeking literally points people towards the cross and a Savior but in a tender, gentle and loving way.
I am called. And I am called to walk in a manner worthy of that calling.
I wasn’t just blessed with these gifts and kicked out into the world to use them vainly and as I see fit. I have to honor the gifts I’ve been trusted with using them the way He intended them to be used.
If I am a craftsman and I go about boasting of my art or creation, claiming all the credit for myself, that won’t point anyone to Who created me or to Whom these gifts truly belong. I must practice humility, gentleness, patience and love and allow the Lord to work through my hands to create for the people He needs me to create for, showing them what an almighty God can do through the hands of one lowly woman.
If am emotionally sensitive and thoughtlessly splatter my reactions high and low, letting my feelings lead the way, nobody in their right mind would look at me and say, “Wow! She looks like she has it all figured out. I’d love to hear about what Jesus has done for her in her life!” I must practice humility, gentleness, patience, and love and allow my emotional depth to transform into compassion for others so I can be the hands and feet of Jesus on this earth.
If I’m a truth-seeker and go on pointing out everyone’s faults, that doesn’t bring anyone closer to Jesus. I must practice humility, gentleness, patience, and love and allow the Lord to work in me so that through my passion for Him, others will be comforted and led to a more freeing life through Christ.
I am called.
You are called.
May we learn to walk worthy of the calling He has put on our life. May we learn to see our giftings not as the world sees them, but as He intended them to be seen. May we throw in the towel of Team World and adorn ourselves with the glorious jerseys of Team Jesus as we learn use our God-given gifts to walk worthy in our specific calling.