I’m sitting here, present day, studying Habakkuk. In chapters 1 and 2, Habakkuk battles with God and pours out his confusion in the form of pointed questions. Finally, in chapter 3, he determines that his security could only be found in God, no matter how grim the current or future circumstances may look.
I remember it like yesterday. September 2021. I had stepped out of the backdoor at the ranch and looked up at the oak trees with the bright sky peeking through the leaves and I took a deep breath to fight back the tears and the fear.
Waves of panic would encircle me often but I knew that just beyond the crest of those waves lies a darkness that would no doubt consume me. Maybe even a darkness that I wouldn’t be able to recover from. The fear of being too afraid caused me to keep that sense of panic in check.
Cody has been my provider in all the ways: financially, physically, emotionally. What would happen if he wasn’t here anymore? How would I afford our home? Where would we live? How would I console our children if my whole world collapsed? How would I raise two children when after my life had been shattered and all hope lost?
Tears stream down my face all over again just remembering these scary questions that would regularly tease my mind. Like a worm on a hook, the enemy and my flesh were actively baiting my preprogrammed body to strike at any big emotion I could get my hands on.
But the fear of the depth of the darkness that lied beyond kept bringing my focus back to God.
If my whole world was gone, I would only have God. This is what it must feel like to live dependent on Him alone. These are the faith muscles that need exercise in order to say that God is INDEED my Provider, Sustainer, and my Father. Not merely words repeated on a Sunday morning or sung in a praise song, but words that are so deeply rooted in my heart that it is to become the core of who I am.
To be completely dependent on God.
With every baited hook of despair, I conceded to run away. Mentally run away from the trap, the lies, the worry, the anxiety and run to my Father. He was the only One I could trust. Even my own body and mind were rallying against me! I wasn’t strong enough to handle this on my own. I was already on the precipice of crumbling and we were only 2 weeks into this journey!
So I inhaled God’s goodness, His faithfulness, His mercy, His sovereignty. I remembered how He specifically came for me that beautiful 27th day of January in 2019 and I exhaled the trembling fear that threatened to consume me.
I wrote this post and on my drive this morning, the Casting Crowns song The Voice of Truth came on the radio. These lyrics are spot on. In fact, I’ll add the whole song to the end of this post because WOW! I had never paid attention to them before!
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
And the Voice of Truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth
This. This is the surrender I was created to give. The dependence I was originally designed to rely on.
Fighting, fearing, worrying, fretting. All lies and all created by the enemy who only seeks my destruction.
Here I am two years later and I’ve finally found the words, written by a man who expressed his confusion, perplexity, and pain to the Lord. A man who was told by God Himself his world would be crushed by the enemy, yet even still, he resolved to trust in the Lord. While his body trembled and his lips quivered in fear, he chose to trust in God with unconditional faith.
I remember looking back to that scene in the sky. The oak trees. The sun peeking through. The feeling of peace and certainty sweeping over my body as I fully committed to follow Jesus and His plan, no matter how scary. The words of Habukkuk touch a deeper part of my heart now:
Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer’s;
he makes me tread on my high places.
Habukkuk 3:17-19
The uncanniness of these lyrics is surreal. I’ll never listen to this song the same way!
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I’m in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He’s holding out His handBut the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. “Boy, you’ll never win!”
“You’ll never win!”But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
And the Voice of Truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of TruthOh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they’d have had the strength to standBut the giant’s calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. “Boy you’ll never win!”
“You’ll never win!”But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
And the Voice of Truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of TruthBut the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don’t seem so high
On top of them lookin’ down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over meBut the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
Casting Crowns, Voice of Truth
The Voice of Truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
And the Voice of Truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth
I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
Cause Jesus you are the voice of truth
And I will listen to you, you are